Category: Blog

Apparently the text for “early training” was actually a “get here quick, we gotta go now,” because they just loaded up the crew pods. I could only see them from a distance, but one pod was enormous. It took eight guys and two forklifts to get it in. I heard a weird electronic squeal when they got it aboard. Probably just the overloaded forklift, but it sounded almost human.

Anyway, I guess the Congressional inquiry wrapped up faster than expected, which is great news. Means the ships are spaceworthy and ready to roll! As the captain, I have to pod myself after takeoff. It’s kinda crazy that they want us to pilot ourselves out of Earth’s atmosphere when they’ve got the ships practically on top of each other, but they say we can “draft” each other that way and save fuel.

There are about 30 ships in our launch area, and the combined rumble and thrum of that many engines is incredible. Apparently it’s blowing out windows up to 4 miles away. Oops. Someone’s getting fired! Crap. I hope it’s not me. It can’t be me, can it? I really should start reading the emails they send me. 

Hang on. Someone’s waving me over. 

(Later)

Holy shizznits, kids, I’M ON BOARD THE NINE! She’s the most beautiful thing I ever saw in my whole life. I mean, the bridge is so new, everything is still covered in bubble wrap (YESSSS!), and I had to use my pocketknife to get rid of the packaging. Even the helm had a strip of paper around it reading, “Sanitized for your safety.” I cut that ribbon like a Mayor at a mall.

I’ve been running through the takeoff protocol, which is on a Post-it note on the arm of my chair. You’d think it’d be a bit more … detailed? But it’s basically “poke this button, poke this button, pull this lever, pray.” “Pray” is unsettling, but I’m getting that G2 has a sense of humor. I just found the “manual,” and it’s in some funky language I don’t speak. Cut ups, man.

As soon as we’re safely out in space, I’ll crawl into my pod and wait for Earth-point-two to appear on our horizon. I hope they remember to take the newspaper off the front window thingy.

Captain out. 

 

 

 

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OK, it’s weird how many sandwiches they keep loading onto the ship — I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, given the atomic cloud of pot smoke that came out of the 9 when they opened the cargo door this morning — but it’d be nice if they invited the CAPTAIN to the picnic, sheesh. And the pre-picnic; apparently there’s no pee test to be a space captain, WOOT!

They actually started loading up some of the pods already. That’s crazy to see. All these totally posh folks with these weird looks of horror frozen on their faces, being loaded up on dollies and wheeled aboard. One guy had to have an extension on his pod because he was holding a martini and couldn’t put his arm down. I mean, come on….. It’s not like he’ll be taking a sip for the next 25 years or so.

I think I saw one of my crew, the janitor maybe? sneaking around, trying to get in. He looks a little familiar, like maybe I knew him when I was a kid or something? Anyway, I was mostly distracted that the dude’s pants were falling down. Like, srsly, get a belt. Sheesh. They call ME “Madpants”…. 

Oooooo, weird. They just fired up the engines. They’ve had some systems running for a while, mostly to get the ship oxygenated and to prep for the pods, but this is the first time I’ve heard the full engines. It’s amazing; I can feel it in the ground, running up from my feet, through my body, and making my hair stand on end. This is what excitement feels like, if you could feel it. I mean you CAN feel it, I know I know, but I mean if you could feel it externally rather than infernally. 

Heard one of the stevedorks talking about how he wouldn’t fly on one of these Oz model 8000s because apparently they were bought at a “fire sale.” Like a for-real fire sale, like if they didn’t find a buyer, they were just going to set them all on fire. What a waste that would have been. I mean… look at her! She’s the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

Just got a text for the crew to report for “early training.” Weird…. 

Captain out.

 

 

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